Noah

I was so excited for this movie from the moment it was announced. I followed every tidbit of information as it was released. I was disappointed but intrigued when atheist and controversial director Darren Aronofsky signed on and super excited when one of my favorite actors, Russel Crowe, joined as the namesake character. Then came the rumors of controversy... By the time it was released I was wary and went into the theater with an open mind but a small sense of dread... (Warning: I couldn't resist a flooding this review with puns. Sea?)

We all know the story: In the years following creation, man has fallen into depraved sin. God is going to destroy the world but finds one righteous man, Noah. He commands him to build an ark and save his family and two of every kind of animal. After the flood, mankind begins anew. Now scratch pretty much everything above that we thought we knew about this story except Noah, Ark, Animals and Flood because you wont be seeing the Noah you're familiar with here. Instead here's the gist of this tale: The Creator (purposely left ambiguous) creates man, man sins, Creator kicks man out of Eden, Angels feel bad for man and want to help him, Creator banishes Angels to roam the earth as giant rock monsters, man begin to eat animals, Creator doesn't like meat eaters and never intended for man to have dominion over earth, Creator plans to destroy man with flood and commands the last son of Seth, Noah, to build an ark to save the innocent animals, Noah does so with help from rock ents, battles meat eating bad men, flood wipes earth clean, Noah realizes the Creator demands all men to die to preserve utopia, herbivorous, animal world and decides to kill his grandchildren when they are born, flood ends, Noah realizes he's wrong, blesses family, rainbow in the sky, end.

This is pretty much Noah in a nut shell. Even if it didn't pretty much abandon all religious accounts of Noah, the movie in itself is a pretty meandering, boring film. But couple that with its ocean of errors and you have what my one friend called: "A complete washout."  F